Let’s Liveblog Okamiden Part 3: Return of the Terrible Dress Sense
When we last left our intrepid young heroes they had ditched that shithole of a ghost-village and arrived in the much more populated Kamiki Village where apparently some wood sprite Issun knows back from those days when he was in a metal band or some shit (He played the triangle).
Also here is a house that I forgot to investigate the first time I went through the village (It’s the one with that giant watermill in that pic above this one).
I tried looking at some of the wheat, but Issun just bitched at me not to eat the wheat, and I tried looking at whatever the hell that thing is in the back there (with the two holes) but Issun said not to look at it because I might hurt myself like the bumbling twat I was like the big party pooping nazi he is (Though to be fair Chibiterasu does look like the kind of dog who would hurt himself even when there aren’t any sharp objects around).
Meanwhile out here in Void World I found a chest with some ink refilling item in it, which out-stands me in its uselessness since I’m playing on Baby’s First Videogame difficulty (aka Greenhorn) and ink just refills over time.
At this point there was a boss battle with feudal space nazis who were powering the Void World with their evil nazi magic, but I was unable to take any pictures so sorry about that. I assure you it was very exciting though and it’s just too bad you missed out.
SO ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE NUTTY SPACE NAZIS LET’S GET ALONG WITH EXPLORING THIS PLACE SOME MORE.
Oh whoops there go my bumbling fingers getting in the shot, get out of there you guys.
Further down the road I met Mushikai, son of the Kamiki pothead mother who talked shit to us last update. He does nothing but whines about how Amaterasu set some record for stealing 10 crops from the aforementioned Mrs. Pots without getting a foot right up dat furry rump.
And then there’s Mushikai’s dog Hayabusa who does nothing but endlessly drone on about how protecting his master is his job. I can’t wait for the major retarded plot twist where it turns out that DOG WAS BEHIND EVERYTHING THE WHOLE TIME. And given that this is Capcom we’re talking about anything is possible plotwise.
And then the game decided I wasn’t worthy of walking the rest of the distance to the special wood sprite shrine (well okay I admit it took me like an hour to get to this point but you try juggling an iPhone camera and playing Okamiden and see how far you get), and snatched the controls from me for a no doubt very exciting cut-scene.
Apparently Issun has difficulty figuring out how wood sprites work since he just starts yelling “YO WHERE YOU AT” even though there is a perfectly serviceable cherry blossom tree right in-front of them and I don’t think it’s too hard to put two and two together.
Yeah see she’s right… WAIT WHAT IN THE FUCK
GOOD LORD WOMAN WHAT IS THAT YOU ARE WEARING
So this is Kamiki’s guardian wood sprite Sakuya, who as you can tell dresses up in rather.. revealing attire. Okay no I’ll just come out and say it, she dresses like a fucking anime whore and thank god they never pulled this shit with any of the other characters.
…Nevermind.
Anyway getting back to the not slutty adventures of Chibi and co.,
GODDAMNIT SAKUYA WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY GET OFF THAT DOG FOR NIPPON’S SAKE
So finally Issun makes himself useful and breaks up the love-deities and re-affirms that some problematic shit is going down because apparently Kamiki lacks WiFi and Sakuya just couldn’t be bothered to check her twitter feed, the lazy tool.
BUT OH NO CLOUDS OF EVIL SHENANIGANS SUDDENLY COME RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE AND START FUCKING SHIT UP AND THERE’S LITERALLY NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT
Oh fuck me they’ve got incendiaries, let’s get out of here we are obviously outmatched in firepower. Issun you can stay and paint some impressionist pieces of Tree On Fire or something.
And without the power of the tree to keep her going, Sakuya just starts fading away into the ether, which is a pity because it really looked like she was going to score gold in the Annual Nippon Limbo Contest.
Issun decides to help out with his amazing and very original brush technique totally stolen from Ammy and being the good-natured man I am (shut up I totally am), I decided to humor him this one time. Not that I had a choice anyway.
Oh so Issun’s just going to pull the old tracing technique of old. That’s nothing new Issun, I’ve seen it about 500 times on Deviantart already.
It proceeds to do nothing whatsoever except further cement Issun’s position as a character who really can’t do shit to save his life or a tree whore’s in this case.
Chibi decides that now would be a great time to just start barking at the tree for no reason, like that’s really going to do anything at all as celestial light beams down from the heavens… Wait hang on I thought the sky was filled with evil clouds, what happened to those?
Oh, well apparently it’s suddenly a clear night sky and the outline of someone’s fan pokemon (aka a terrible mash-up of charizard and dragonair) shows up for no reason at all.
So now we have to trace this thing because painting into space is something that the god Amaterasu was really famous for, aside from being the sun and all that (what they never really mention is that she took quite a few painting classes in between deity duties).
Yeah uhh that’s good enough I suppose, they accepted that horrible sun scribble in the first update, why wouldn’t this be enough?
“WOW AMMY THAT’S A FUCKING TERRIBLE TRACE I BET EVEN PICASSO COULD DO A BETTER JOB THAN THAT.”
Okay well fuck you game, how about I just make my tracing even shittier then?
Wait what the hell that actually worked?
So big ol’ Yomigami (the giant fuck-off dragon)’s children show up, carrying two giant nuts which just kind of made them even more awkward since they already look like their mother was goddamn Birdo or something.
Seriously the resemblance is uncanny.
But anyway they say “Yo your mom did some cool shit and our parents helped out even though it was actually only our father so anyway have this technique of restoration™.”
And then this big kanji symbol flies around a bit before flying into Chibiterasu who somehow absorbs it using the amazing powers of osmosis.
And then Issun just has to tell us to USE THE TECHNIQUE WE JUST GOT LIKE TWO SECONDS AGO BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY VERY BAD AT REMEMBERING THINGS.
Just have to trace right over it and…
Bam, good as new. If only the same could be said about all the Sonic The Hedgehog fanart out there.
And Sakuya comes back to life only to tell us that she is in fact completely useless thanks to that fire burning everything up and can’t do anything to help our cause, which is what everyone wants to hear in a videogame.
And Issun reminds me that he is still superglued to me as a partner and says that we are totally coming back and making Sakuya feel better because she’s totally got a great track record of helping us out so far.
And then for some reason ominous creepy music starts playing as I run down the path, which is even creepier when you think that Silent Hill 2 sort of did the same thing. I kept stopping and expecting to hear footsteps stop alongside in the background. And it really doesn’t help that someone keeps knocking on the fucking door, I’m going to have to answer it at some point but I’ll just finish up this update first.
Oh no looks like some of the villagers have had a bad accident with Instagram and ended up putting the Sepia effect on themselves instead of the picture. Well, serves those wannabe hipsters right I suppose.
OH NO NOT YOU TOO MAMA POTS
Not even Mr. Orange is safe from the Kamiki Sepia Plague, just what is going on here? Well we’ll find out next update because for now I think we’ve had enough wacky dog and bug god related hijinks for one tumblr post. And wow I really need to get to fucking sleep now good night and forever fuck Issun.
Next time on 3DS Adventures:
New partner just where the hell are you?
