Most anime dog you know

When we last left our intrepid young heroes they had ditched that shithole of a ghost-village and arrived in the much more populated Kamiki Village where apparently some wood sprite Issun knows back from those days when he was in a metal band or some shit (He played the triangle).

Also here is a house that I forgot to investigate the first time I went through the village (It’s the one with that giant watermill in that pic above this one). 

I tried looking at some of the wheat, but Issun just bitched at me not to eat the wheat, and I tried looking at whatever the hell that thing is in the back there (with the two holes) but Issun said not to look at it because I might hurt myself like the bumbling twat I was like the big party pooping nazi he is (Though to be fair Chibiterasu does look like the kind of dog who would hurt himself even when there aren’t any sharp objects around). 

Meanwhile out here in Void World I found a chest with some ink refilling item in it, which out-stands me in its uselessness since I’m playing on Baby’s First Videogame difficulty (aka Greenhorn) and ink just refills over time. 

At this point there was a boss battle with feudal space nazis who were powering the Void World with their evil nazi magic, but I was unable to take any pictures so sorry about that. I assure you it was very exciting though and it’s just too bad you missed out.

SO ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE NUTTY SPACE NAZIS LET’S GET ALONG WITH EXPLORING THIS PLACE SOME MORE.

Oh whoops there go my bumbling fingers getting in the shot, get out of there you guys. 

Further down the road I met Mushikai, son of the Kamiki pothead mother who talked shit to us last update. He does nothing but whines about how Amaterasu set some record for stealing 10 crops from the aforementioned Mrs. Pots without getting a foot right up dat furry rump.

And then there’s Mushikai’s dog Hayabusa who does nothing but endlessly drone on about how protecting his master is his job. I can’t wait for the major retarded plot twist where it turns out that DOG WAS BEHIND EVERYTHING THE WHOLE TIME. And given that this is Capcom we’re talking about anything is possible plotwise. 

And then the game decided I wasn’t worthy of walking the rest of the distance to the special wood sprite shrine (well okay I admit it took me like an hour to get to this point but you try juggling an iPhone camera and playing Okamiden and see how far you get), and snatched the controls from me for a no doubt very exciting cut-scene. 

Apparently Issun has difficulty figuring out how wood sprites work since he just starts yelling “YO WHERE YOU AT” even though there is a perfectly serviceable cherry blossom tree right in-front of them and I don’t think it’s too hard to put two and two together. 

Yeah see she’s right… WAIT WHAT IN THE FUCK

GOOD LORD WOMAN WHAT IS THAT YOU ARE WEARING 

So this is Kamiki’s guardian wood sprite Sakuya, who as you can tell dresses up in rather.. revealing attire. Okay no I’ll just come out and say it, she dresses like a fucking anime whore and thank god they never pulled this shit with any of the other characters. 

…Nevermind. 

Anyway getting back to the not slutty adventures of Chibi and co.,

GODDAMNIT SAKUYA WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY GET OFF THAT DOG FOR NIPPON’S SAKE

So finally Issun makes himself useful and breaks up the love-deities and re-affirms that some problematic shit is going down because apparently Kamiki lacks WiFi and Sakuya just couldn’t be bothered to check her twitter feed, the lazy tool. 

BUT OH NO CLOUDS OF EVIL SHENANIGANS SUDDENLY COME RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE AND START FUCKING SHIT UP AND THERE’S LITERALLY NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT

Oh fuck me they’ve got incendiaries, let’s get out of here we are obviously outmatched in firepower. Issun you can stay and paint some impressionist pieces of Tree On Fire or something. 

And without the power of the tree to keep her going, Sakuya just starts fading away into the ether, which is a pity because it really looked like she was going to score gold in the Annual Nippon Limbo Contest. 

Issun decides to help out with his amazing and very original brush technique totally stolen from Ammy and being the good-natured man I am (shut up I totally am), I decided to humor him this one time. Not that I had a choice anyway.

Oh so Issun’s just going to pull the old tracing technique of old. That’s nothing new Issun, I’ve seen it about 500 times on Deviantart already. 

It proceeds to do nothing whatsoever except further cement Issun’s position as a character who really can’t do shit to save his life or a tree whore’s in this case.

Chibi decides that now would be a great time to just start barking at the tree for no reason, like that’s really going to do anything at all as celestial light beams down from the heavens… Wait hang on I thought the sky was filled with evil clouds, what happened to those?

Oh, well apparently it’s suddenly a clear night sky and the outline of someone’s fan pokemon (aka a terrible mash-up of charizard and dragonair) shows up for no reason at all. 

So now we have to trace this thing because painting into space is something that the god Amaterasu was really famous for, aside from being the sun and all that (what they never really mention is that she took quite a few painting classes in between deity duties). 

Yeah uhh that’s good enough I suppose, they accepted that horrible sun scribble in the first update, why wouldn’t this be enough?

Okay well fuck you game, how about I just make my tracing even shittier then?

Wait what the hell that actually worked?

So big ol’ Yomigami (the giant fuck-off dragon)’s children show up, carrying two giant nuts which just kind of made them even more awkward since they already look like their mother was goddamn Birdo or something. 

Seriously the resemblance is uncanny. 

But anyway they say “Yo your mom did some cool shit and our parents helped out even though it was actually only our father so anyway have this technique of restoration™.”

And then this big kanji symbol flies around a bit before flying into Chibiterasu who somehow absorbs it using the amazing powers of osmosis. 

And then Issun just has to tell us to USE THE TECHNIQUE WE JUST GOT LIKE TWO SECONDS AGO BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY VERY BAD AT REMEMBERING THINGS. 

Just have to trace right over it and…

Bam, good as new. If only the same could be said about all the Sonic The Hedgehog fanart out there. 

And Sakuya comes back to life only to tell us that she is in fact completely useless thanks to that fire burning everything up and can’t do anything to help our cause, which is what everyone wants to hear in a videogame.

And Issun reminds me that he is still superglued to me as a partner and says that we are totally coming back and making Sakuya feel better because she’s totally got a great track record of helping us out so far. 

And then for some reason ominous creepy music starts playing as I run down the path, which is even creepier when you think that Silent Hill 2 sort of did the same thing. I kept stopping and expecting to hear footsteps stop alongside in the background. And it really doesn’t help that someone keeps knocking on the fucking door, I’m going to have to answer it at some point but I’ll just finish up this update first. 

Oh no looks like some of the villagers have had a bad accident with Instagram and ended up putting the Sepia effect on themselves instead of the picture. Well, serves those wannabe hipsters right I suppose. 

OH NO NOT YOU TOO MAMA POTS

Not even Mr. Orange is safe from the Kamiki Sepia Plague, just what is going on here? Well we’ll find out next update because for now I think we’ve had enough wacky dog and bug god related hijinks for one tumblr post. And wow I really need to get to fucking sleep now good night and forever fuck Issun.

Next time on 3DS Adventures:

New partner just where the hell are you?

So first off, before I do any liveblogging of Okamidens, I would like to thank everyone who purposefully avoided clicking the Follow button when Emma linked this blog and told everyone to come and follow. No doubt you knew in your minds that I had bet ten Freedom Bux™ that nobody would follow, so thanks much for supporting me everyone. 

Ho ho, We The People indeed Bizarro Hamilton (Who I have affectionately nicknamed Biz Hiz). 

So anyway before I even started the game I had a problem, since I had no idea of how to put the game cartridge in the DS, and at the time my parents were out so I had nobody to assist me. I decided to try out some ways of putting the cartridge in and see what worked. 

My first tactic was to start smacking the case against my 3DS. 

COME ON YOU FUCKING THING GET IN THERE 

This resulted in nothing but a slightly scratched up 3DS. 

My next plan was to try seeing if my Gamecube could run Okamiden instead.

FIT YOU FUCKING WHORE 

Once my Gamecube began to smoke I decided to try and turn to more alternative measures. I remembered that there was a science experiment involving a lemon and some electrical stuff, and since I had no lemons handy I decided to improvise with a bananz.

This went about as well as expected. 

I also tried checking the internet for any advice on what to do, but all I got was pseudo-pornographic wolf romance drawings and godawful fanfiction where apparently a man and a wolf giving birth to two baby wolves is a totally normal thing now. 

I was about to condemn the task impossible even for Hercules, when I realized that the cartridge was in the DS the whole time, meaning that I had made a fool of myself for nothing. Why, the only way it could be even more embarrassing is if I posted it on tumblr or something, good thing that’s never going to happen.

Anyway so on with the game, last time our intrepid young bystanders gave a drawing to a girl, beat the shit out of some performing circus imps and bumped into a lot of things. MAN WE ARE ON SUCH A ROLL ALL RIGHT. 

First things first, I dicked around with some of the options, and discovered a special menu where you can listen to music and check out hints in the game, which managed to spoil some of the characters for me SO THANKS FOR THROWING THAT IN THERE GUYS. One of my favourite pictures from that is:

This one which has a sort of Of Mice and Men quality to it, Issun (weirdly dressed in armour which is dumb because Issun is useless in battle and does nothing but tell me how to press the Y button) droning on about some bullshit that nobody cares about with a gormless looking Chibi-tan staring blankly on. 

And then there’s this one where some hooker dances suggestively in-front of the two sleeping children which isn’t creepy at all NOPE NOT AT ALL. 

Also when the fuck are we going to meet the kid on the cover of the game come on Capcom why are you making me suffer through Issun here. 

And while I’m ranting at you, what the fuck do you call this Where To Go Arrow, it’s bigger than Chibiterasu and just flashes at you like it’s nagging at you for not going right where you’re supposed to go with the utmost urgency. Why not just replace it with HEY FUCKTARD GO HERE in bold glowing letters or maybe just let us explore the interesting surroundings before happening upon where we need to go afterwards NO I CAN SEE WHY YOU WOULD WANT A GLOWING FLASHING ARROW INSTEAD YES GOOD JOB.

So I decided to explore around, and I came across the Dojo where Pipi Longmustache said he worked or something I mean just look at that house it looks like some kind of adventurer snow-man or maybe the snow-man’s just wearing a hooded poncho which just makes it double-awesome. 

So then I did what any respectable child of wolf god would do and just barged right in and checked out what I could smash up (unfortunately no such smashable objects revealed themselves to me). Issun gave me shit for trying to walk all over Longmustache’s uhh.. Fruit paintings? I can’t really tell what they’re supposed to be so let’s just leave them alone for now. Longmustache also had a stove that’s styled after him and that is just the best. I should design my microwave to look more like me. 

So upstairs had Longmustache and what I assume to be his secret upstairs drug operation, I can’t see why else he’s got a giant white flower over his stove-like pottery, and a bunch of other flowers all around which he no doubt hides in those gourds up there. 

And then Longmustache was all like “Yo man this village doesn’t have enough people so can you tell anyone you see about this village so maybe they’ll live here or something.” And then Issun says “Yeah I’ll take care of it because I’m amazing and what-not”, which roughly translates to “I’ll let Chibi do all the bitchwork and take all the fame and glory for myself.” 

And then there was this secluded little house behind the Dojo and next to some waterfall (god knows how the inhabitants sleep at night) which I decided to just charge right into in the assumption nobody was in or something.

AW SHIT CHIBI GET OUT OF THERE MAN IT’S A FUCKIN SET UP

But no it turned out not to be a cleverly laid trap by the feds and instead was just some mother standing around her house complaining about her daughter being gone, this daughter was apparently the young girl in the first update who Issun gave the painting to or something. Also apparently she’s sick or something even though she looked pretty okay when I first saw her?

Well if she’s feeling sick that’s probably because the cheapskate mother only bought one bed for her to sleep in, while poor Cinderella sleeps under the stairs each night, hoping that she too can get a letter inviting her to Hogwarts and have a giant hairy guy kick down the door and proceed to sort of kidnap her and take her to school.

I also met this guy, who I nicknamed Jengahead Papercrotch, who apparently owns the hotels or something I mean he’s not very good since they’re not open due to there being no customers and he’s asking for help from a white derpy looking wolf and some glowing bug. Times are harsh in war-torn 1930s Nippon. 

As I was leaving the village, Issun pointed out some pots and that if I wanted to get what was inside the pots I would have to break them open using the attack button.

Yeah fuck you too Issun. 

Just outside the town I met Mayor Peanuthead who simply repeated the plea for help by his two brothers, marking up the population of the village to Three Old Guys, One Woman and Some Girl. I don’t even think this place would count as a village, I mean you have less people living here than the main cast of Friends.

As I made my way through this little area, I kept encountering all this stuff that Issun teased with “Oh yeah you’re still too young to do anything about this” like I was a little bitch crying for more. Man Capcom really had me on that one.

And now we entered the Purple Dimension, where the background artists had gotten so lazy they apparently forgot to colour in the fucking mountains.

Welcome to the Purple Dimension, its chief tourist attractions include Shitty-Looking Tent and Gate And Bendy Tree . I also found some chest that had Issun’s “book”? I guess they mean I found his secret porn stash or something. 

And finally I arrived at the town where I remember the first game started off in, Kamiki (God Tree) Village, a village that was kind of stupidly named since nobody ever seems to fucking believe in gods anyway.  

And who do we bump into but the mayor himself, Mr. Orange who currently seems to be crying eyebrows or something. He also has an orange over his head which I never really understood, I mean was he born that way or is that just some kind of ritual he undertakes to really earn the title of Orange? Man this town is all kinds fucked up and we haven’t even met anyone but the mayor yet.

So then Mr. Orange calls Chibi-tan “cute”, and Issun laughs at him for being called cute. Yeah big words coming from Big Dick Buggy over there. 

I decided to stop by the Slanty Shanty first, which was apparently an Edo house designed by an architect who had no idea how houses are supposed to work. 

And who would it be but Susano, the wa-wa-wacky “sidekick” in the first game who looks like Noctowl and a train-yard hobo collided with each other at 100mph. He says something about recognizing Chibi from somewhere, which probably means he’s remembering Amaterasu, which is an easy mistake to make considering Chibi is like twice as small as Ammy. 

They also make a note of Susano’s Jackson Pollock/Cat vomit painting up there on the wall for some reason that totally went past my head because I was too busy fumbling with the iPhone trying to take a good photo. 

As I ventured further into the village I met Mr. Orange’s wife, Ms. Orange who is apparently some kind of demon disguised as a human judging by the way her head is placed so awkwardly on the rectangle she calls her body. She also threw some food at Chibi, probably in the vain hope of keeping the terrifying miniature rabid dog away from her. 

And then we met Susano’s beer-brewing wife Kushi in, where else, the brewery, just standing there presumably really shocked because it looks like someone stole her mouth or something. Also she has three barrels on her head which I secretly hope are actually canons that she uses to fight monsters or something. She notes that her daughter is out and about without permission too (god do any Nipponese mothers take care of their fucking daughters), so apparently in the two months between the first and last game they had a child who is old enough to be wandering out wherever? Damn Kushi must have had one hell of a time giving birth to that kid. 

And then we met Mama Mushi, who told me to watch the fuck out while I was in her crop field, by which I assume she meant that she was the secret gang boss of the village or something. That or she really likes talking shit to white wolf babbies. 

And then I went into the Orange household, where I found… Oranges being cooked? Could this be what happened to Orange Jr. all those years ago? 

Man what do I know maybe they just really fucking love oranges. 

Next time on 3DS Adventures: 

Shit hits the fan as I race to find the Tetris Block murderer before he has a chance to strike again.

Also Okamiden Fun Fact:

“Using a story taken from a child’s point of view as they explore and learn new things made the game much easier to visualize according to Eshiro; he compared this to the movie Stand by Me.”

Wow okay sure. 

So recently I got my hands on a copy of Okamiden, and a friend of mine suggested doing a live blog run of it so what the hell why not. Join me as I take on this adventure with only my wits, iPhone and fruity pink 3DS to assist me, along with my trusty sidekick ‘Shoddy understanding of the Japanese language’. And my first trial was to get this damn wrapping paper off.

45 minutes and a few missing fingers later, I was well on my way to play Okamiden. 

With a fancy title screen and a little girl just belting out the line “O~KAMIDEN” just what could go wrong in this game?

Oh. 

Oh. 

Okay I admit I really hate Issun with a passion, much more than most other people. It’s probably his irritating trait in the original Okami where he’d explain some game mechanic in game terms and then he would just repeat exactly what he said only without the game lingo as if the player had a really bad case of ADHD or apparently couldn’t figure out how health potions worked or some shit. Also the weird massive insect-dong thing he’s got going in this picture isn’t helping anything. 

Let’s just move on, so I chose easy mode because I am a big pussy and the game even labels the difficulty as “Little Birdie” just to rub it in further. Yeah jeez thanks for reminding me about my incompetence at games Capcom. 

So the game begins much like the original Okami, with a long boring unskippable cutscene describing the just fabulous history of some evil multi-headed demon dragon thing that haunted a village and then there was a hero and some white wolf and they beat the dragon thing. Which is actually exactly like the original Okami opening cutscene so good job on that one. And the game even goes as far as to recap the original Okami while they’re at it, I mean come on Capcom I don’t think anybody really plays the Okami games for their riveting story. 

And then the game begins with some kind of terrible storm or maybe some stupid art designer had a mini freak-out in the middle of drawing in black clouds and they just said “Fuck it” and made it a giant storm out of nowhere. 

OH NO NOT THE Shrine..? Wait what the hell what shrine is this supposed to be why is that cloud causing evil shit man what is even supposed to be happening?

And then apparently I was bumblefucking around with the iPhone because there are no photos of the bit after this, so the gist of it is that some head or mask <insert evil shit here> came out of the black clouds and then the shrine got all fucked up with lightening maybe and then what looked like the evil dragon-thing from the prologue came out of the destruction and started spreading an evil black cloud similar to the one in the sky. 

OH NO NOT NAMELESS VILLAGE ANYTHING BUT THERE (What is even going on in this picture)

And then after a few more scenes of the darkness spreading over some other picturesque settings the scene abruptly shifts to everyone’s favourite Issun who is apparently on the run from the feds and is trying to dispose of his illegally obtained freedom bucks by throwing them all around him like confetti. 

Yeah smooth moves there Bernie Madoff.

And then Issun bumps into some little girl, the perfect patsy to pin the blame on. That or he’s going to give her a signed painting of Okami-Amaterasu yeah sure that works too. 

AND THEN OH NO IT’S THE FUZZ SOME RANDOM DANCING MONSTERS ISSUN HOW ON NIPPON WILL YOU GET OUT OF THIS DELIGHTFULLY WACKY SITUATION?

Oh hey Chibiterasu out of nowhere that’s cool I guess. 

And on the subject of Chibiterasu, what kind of fucking name is that for your kid? I mean, Chibi basically means “Short person/child”, so is that supposed to be some name for him as a kid or is this his actual maiden name? That’s like me calling my son “Shorty” or “Junior” or something so then what happens if he grows up to become a basketball player or something? He’s just going to be bullied and ridiculed the whole time. CAPCOM I AM ONTO YOUR SHENANIGANS. 

Anyway we’re playing a game and oh no wait what

When the fuck did we get into gameplay? 

So it turns out trying to manually play a DS with one hand while fumbling with your iPhone camera with the other is actually pretty difficult so just try to believe me when I say that I managed to take on the two tutorial imps on easy difficulty without trouble. 

And after the battle Issun manages to put two and two together and *gasp!* it seems that this glowing white wolf with red markings might actually be the child of the only other glowing white wolf with red marking that actually exists! Wow get this guy an ice cream or something because he just won the Grand Prize for the No Shit Sherlock awards!

It sure looks like Chibiterasu has inherited all of Amaterasu’s derpy looks, all but that classic goofy smile. 

And then Issun starts complaining because the sun is out because of that dark cloud stuff that occurred in the prologue, so Chibiterasu does what any son of wolf god would do and pulls out his Celestial Brush™so he can just draw a new sun or something? I’m not really sure how any of the brush related shenanigans work but then again I’m not sure how a lot of things work in Capcom games so I might as well roll with it. So then you press L or R to go into the special brush menu, and whip out your stylus to draw in the sun. 

Tee hee. 

Okay okay I’ll do it seriously. 

Okamiden is apparently really forgiving or something because even this shitty excuse for a painting of the sun is acceptable within their standards. 

And so then we summon something that looks more like some kind of horrific infernal death ball but no it’s the sun all right so everything returns to being bright and cheery. So then Issun tells us about some village where shit’s going down or maybe it’s just that they happen to be having a 20% off bargain, but Chibiterasu seems pretty set on going so Issun just has to tag along because god knows he’s not doing anything important other than throwing paper all over the ground like a moron. 

And then the game finally decided to let me free-roam, as in follow the ginormous glowing arrow and one little nagging problem started to pester me as I played: Chibiterasu just runs way too fucking fast for his own good. I mean, it’s like Mario fucked a bullet train and Chibiterasu came out or something, whatever direction I nudge, he just rockets away, colliding into invisible walls and making it a real pain to try and squeeze my way into the damn narrow bridges. It may be because I was using the 3DS analog stick when they were expecting me to use the D-Pad, but the main problem seems to lie in that the speed is similar to the original Okami, but this game’s borders aren’t as big, so you end up crashing into everything all the time. 

Also Chibiterasu jumps and floats a little like Superman and that’s pretty cool :3

So after crashing into just about everything in sight, I finally crossed the bridge and bumped (well, crashed) into the little girl who Issun talked to before those professional dancers imps showed up. 

But apparently because nobody believes in gods in the great athiest nation of Nippon, nobody can see Chibiterasu’s glowing runes and fire shit, so I guess the little girl here just happened to be conveniently looking at a rock or some shit when Chibiterasu drew the goddamn sun in the middle of the sky. Or maybe summoning giant fire orbs is pretty common-place in Nippon, who knows?

And then suddenly we bump into who has to be already the coolest character in this game, a man who I have affectionately named Pipi Longmustache. 

And then he said he was the head of some dojo or something honestly I wasn’t paying attention because just look at that manly stache, it even wiggled the whole time he was speaking (I’m beginning to think it has a life of it’s own). 

And to wrap things up for this update, I crashed headfirst into a fountain which turned out to be the save point, as Issun first explained, and then he just proceeded to say “Yeah it’s a save point you dumbass.” 

Never change Issun. Never change. 

Next Time on 3DS Adventures: 

The 3DS teaches me all about crazy people I pass by on the street.